"Sometimes the whole thing goes to crap and then you die." If a doctor-surgeon (with shaky hands) told you this, would you feel confident about his abilities?

I am taking a page from hothead and setting the following boundaries with my blog. "If you know me, then it's expected that this stays here. Understand that it is not something I want spread around or discussed unless I bring it up, ok? Okay."

I need a place where I can write my thought because they are all jumbly right now and I just want to pull them out HP pensieve style.

I have been thinking about getting gastric bypass surgery. I mean, really thinking about it enough that I have been going to clinics and sitting through surgeon presentations about it. The quote about things going to hell is from the doctor Tuesday who was explaining the operation. Other than being a surgeon with shaky hands, he seemed to be a nice guy.

Back to me. So GBP. Big shit. It is a surgery that will permanantly change me. Do I want to be permanantly changed? I don't think just changing my diet and exercise is going to do it for me. I know I could lose weight that way, but I wouldn't/haven't been able to keep it off that way. GBP would forever limit what I could eat.

Now the problem is, GBP can't change your eating habits. YOU have to change your own habits. Like post-surgery I am not suddenly going to want to eat fish and veggies for dinner if I am used to having steak and macaroni and cheese. I would need to make some huge lifestyle changes pre-surgery to make post-surgery what I would want it to be.

It is hard for me since I don't see myself as being 100 lbs. overweight. I mean, I get on the scale, the scale says something, my clothes say something, but my brain says something else soo entirely different. My brain says, we are like maybe 50 lbs. overweight, but that is just not true anymore. Le sigh. I am having an out of body experience with my own body.

In college, when I got down to being like 40 lbs. overweight, which for me, counts as skinny, I couldn't get over the part where I felt like everyone was looking at me. I felt like I had all this attention that I wasn't used to, sexual attention, that I wasn't in control of and it really upset me. I didn't really do much with girls or boys sexually until I was thinner. Sometimes I feel like there must have been some sort of sexual trauma in my past where I am so adverse to people looking at me, checking me out. It terrifies me.

The shaky hand surgeon talked about a post-GBP patient being at Meijer and having a guy say nice ass and how someone may just think that was rude, and another someone may be totally terrified. I fit into the terrified. A patron hit on me here like a few weeks ago, and it so totally freaked me out. My heart rate shot up, I was blushing, I couldn't talk. It was crazy. Where does that come from? Is that a control thing for me? Maybe. I mean, I have no trouble initiating something, but to have something initiated to me is whoa.

I started on my anti-d's after my weight loss. I couldn't get out of bed sometimes. It was weird! I'd like to think that I am older now and that I could handle it more, but I really don't know. I like to have attention, but I like to have it be the kind I want. I don't like sexual attention.

I am really at an impasse here. I think I need to go to a therapist on a more regular basis and work this out before attempting a GBP. I couldn't do one without having some of my underlying food things looked at.

After I even heard the GBP presentation, I went and ate a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and a Diet Coke, like 10 minutes later, as soon as I could. I can't even handle the idea of it, even the theory led me to emotional eating.

ARGH! It is a big stew in my brain. It is good, it could really help me, but I need to convience myself I need the help. I need to be committed, and I don't feel that way yet. What am I waiting for? I feel like I am happier being heavier, but I know I would be healthier at a lower weight and I would like to be healthier. I also liked having clothes that I knew would fit everytime I went to put them on instead of being worried in the morning. I would like to be smaller, but...but...but.

I don't even know.

P.S. A one-time ban will be lifted on the don't-talk-to-me-about-this-unless-I-say-you-can policy so you can comment. Don't expect me to write back unless I feel ready.