I feel fat. I haven't felt fat in a long time. Maybe it is just that time of the year where everyone feels the weight of fall and winter pulling them under.
I bought a lot of new clothes yesterday. I'm wearing size large and 14s in pants. Um...the last time that happened was 1999. I am down to the smallest size in Lane Bryant, and that actually scares the shit out of me. I don't know how thin people shop. There are so many choices. Like TJ Maxx is totally overwhelming when you have so many racks to go through. Being a chubster means that you have like 4 racks, you pick out what you like, the end. Now I barely even know where to start. I had lots of luck at Sears yesterday, the petite section to be exact. So I think I will just be sticking to petite clothes.
Maybe I just like to be a part of a subgroup. Gay. Jewish. Petite. Fat. Little sections to make the world not seem so overwhelming.
I am so much more critical of my body these days. Maybe I pay more attention to it? I don't know.
I know I am taking good care of myself. I see myself in the mirror, and I am starting to understand that is me looking back, but it is still weird to hold up a pair of 14 pants and think they will fit me.
Doesn't matter. Fat is a state of mind no matter what you look like on the outside. You can feel fat as a size 2, and it's just as real as feeling fat as a 22.