I'm feeling better today. I got a good 8 hours of sleep. I ended up leaving for work later today than normal, yet I got here earlier. I don't know if that was because it is Friday and there are less people out on the roads, or if the roads are just more clear if I leave at 8 instead of 7.55 am. I suppose I can try it on Monday and see.
Anyway, the harsh reality of my life is that I can't handle alcohol on a regular basis. I just can't do it. I used to be able to; sometimes I still would like to be able to, but I can't drink a lot without feeling like shit the day or two after.
I get drunk a lot faster now that I have had the surgery. Maybe that has something to do with it. Also, drinking straight vodka on the rocks may also be a factor in the post part where I feel like the world is a hell hole that doesn't need me.
My therapist and I talked about ways to cope with feelings and to feel the feelings. I don't feel feelings. I guess I never really thought about it before, but if things get tough, I retreat to food, booze, smoking, etc., and now I have no food comfort, which was my biggest. And I am learning that my booze comfort ends up making me feel like shit in the long run.
I have a slight problem. I love being drunk. I love being out of control and then being able to blame things on alcohol. What I don't love is the complete feelings of worthlessness that clog up my brain the next few days.
I think in order to feel happier and healthier, I have to cut back on drinking. And smoking. And casual makeouts. And the sleeping around. And then maybe the guilt will start to go away.