I had a really good therapy session today. We sort of talked about how Andrea had no concept of money like I have no concept of calories. Like managing money was always easy for me because I just always was good about keeping that in check and knowing that it was just money and you could get more. I am not like that with food. I sort of horde it still, thinking that there will not be enough instead of thinking it is just food, there will always be more.
The past 3 months have been very bad for me. I haven't been working out a lot, haven't been paying a lot of attention to myself, or putting myself first. I have 8 more months of peak weight loss time. There is no reason not to use it. I have just been feeling really out of control lately. We talked about putting value on myself. I am all about the easy way out instead of the most beneficial way of doing things. I am terrified of gaining weight back, yet I am eating like it is inevitable that I will be fat again. I don't trust this. But I have the power to maintain this long term, it's just up to me to do it.
I feel like it is a conicidence this is happening close to the new year, because I am not really one for resolutions per se, but I am just sort of fed up with myself being lazy and sabatoge-y.
Post-surgery life is more of a challenge then I thought it would be.
One day at a time Sweet Jesus. Maybe it is one toe over the line, but somehow, I just need things to be different and I need to trust myself and be strong and be willing to deny myself things.